Time Bandits

Ah, the timing of readings.  Very few readers will get time frames right.  The only reason anyone attempts them is because clients push for them.  Time frames are a hideous idea.  I refuse to give them anymore.

Once upon a time, I did.  It felt right.  It felt like a certain time of year.  A number would float in my head, so that had to be how long before things happened, right?  Wrong.

Time as we tell it is a construct of man.  A year on Mars is twice what it is here.  If we lived on Mercury, we'd all be living to ripe old ages, as a year there is only about 88 days on Earth.  In other words, if the rest of the solar system doesn't keep time the way we do, what are the chances the universe at large does?  Therefore, what I thought felt like a month or two turned out to be a year.  Which led clients to ask me, why did it take so long?  The answer is, because it did.  But that's not an answer anyone wants to hear.

I'm feeling spring, right?  Well, it finally happens in spring, but next year, not this year.  The season is right, but the year isn't what you're expecting or wanting. 

There are other reasons giving a time frame is a bad idea.  If a client wants a time frame, chances are it's for one of two reasons.  They've become frustrated with the situation and want to see some movement. Or, they want a commitment and they want it now.  In the case of the former category, the writing is usually on the wall.  It's time to move on.  The latter category is another can of worms entirely.

While some men will fall into the latter category, it is mostly women who are in an all-fired hurry to find a man, get married and settle down.  Women seem to be feeling their biological clocks earlier and earlier.  Or it could be that things are becoming more global and I'm seeing more clients from cultures that are rather different than the one in which I was raised.  There are still women out there being raised to believe that if they're not married and a mother by the age of 30, no matter how successful they are in their chosen careers, they are failures.

So let's say you were raised to believe you're a failure.  Your 29th birthday is looming.  The guy you've been dating for a few months hasn't given you a ring.  You ask me when you're going to get engaged or if you are going to get engaged.  I see the engagement, but it's not for another year or two.  You hit the ceiling.  You get mad at me, you get mad at him.  Your mother is nagging you, so you need that husband and baby NOW!  Not next year, not the year after that.  NOW!

So you let this news fester.  Mind you, you've been dating this guy for less than six months, so you really don't know him all that well, do you?  Sure, you have built up a fantasy in your mind on what he's really like, as he's still on his best behavior.  But you really don't know the real him.  You don't know if he's saving up to buy you a rock the size of Gibraltar, as he's already figured out he wants to be with you, or that he wants some time without the commitment and bills of marriage.  He still wants to have fun, with you of course.  He still wants to hit restaurants.  Have either of you even cooked for each other at this point?  He's still taking you to dinner.

Have you spent more than a night together?  Oh, you went to a cute little bed and breakfast in Vermont and went skiing all Saturday?  That doesn't count.  I mean, spend real time together.  Where you get to see if he leaves his socks all over the bedroom floor.  Where he gets to see if you're going to commandeer the shower curtain rod to dry your intimates.  Where you have to see if either of you knows how to cook more than a microwave meal.  Eating out every night can drive you to the poorhouse.  How about sports?  Spend two weeks at his place during the NFL playoffs.  Especially if you hate football and he loves it.  Even better, one of you adores baseball and the other doesn't understand that the seventh game of the World Series with the Cubs favored to win is a big thing.  You need to take that little taste, to make sure it is what you really want.  Just like when you're cooking.

It's like the pot of sauce I have cooking on the stove as I write this.  It is from scratch, kind of, as the only palatable jar sauce (in my opinion, of course,) is Francesco Rinaldi and that's not available west of the Mississippi.  But even that, I used to have to doctor up and cook for a few hours before it was edible.  Also, my sauce isn't nearly as high in sodium per serving, or sugar.  So I wait.  I get out the tomato paste, dissolve it in water, (three cans of water to each can of paste,) I get out the tomato puree and the diced tomatoes.  (I admit it, I'm too lazy to blanch Roma tomatoes myself, nor do I really have the room.)   I get out the spices, the Parmesan, the garlic, the onion, the olive oil, bring to a simmer and then wait six hours, stirring every five minutes.  Which means I have to be patient.  The first hour isn't bad, as that's everything just getting going, the pot getting warm enough to simmer.  But after it starts to simmer, the aroma starts to permeate the house.  I can't work, as I can't ask clients who are paying me by the minute in chat to please wait while I stir the sauce, so the chunks of tomato and onion don't stick to the bottom of the pot and burn.  Trust me, they can do that even with a teflon dutch oven.

Not only do I have to stir every five minutes for hours, I have to keep an eye on the temperature of the stove.  Is the simmer too fast and going to go into a full boil that will ruin the sauce?  Is the temperature too low and now instead of simmering, it's just staying warm and being tomato soup?  I have to test it.  Is it savory enough?  Is there enough garlic?  Oregano?  Basil?  Bay?  Do I have to add sage to make it less sweet?  Do I have to add basil to sweeten it up?  Are the tomatoes tart enough that I have to add a small spoon of sugar to neutralize the acid?  I have to wait and test and wait some more.

But I'm starting to hear my stomach rumble.  I can't eat before I make sauce, as it would spoil my palate for testing the sauce.  Sure, after it's been cooking a minimum of three hours, I can spread a bit on a slice of bread, to test for taste, consistency and all of that.  But that's just a tease.  Sure, I could spread some more sauce on a slice of bread.  But if I keep doing that, when the sauce is finally ready, I won't be hungry anymore.

So I wait.  I also hunger.  Finally, when the sauce is done, do I get to dig right in?  Nope.  I have to find and remove all the bay leaves.  Trust me, no one wants to stick one of those in their mouth.  I have to decide what kind of pasta I'm going to use.  Then I have to boil the water.  Minimum of 20 minutes for the water to come to a boil in a spaghetti pot.  Then I have to cook, drain and rinse the pasta.  Then drain it again and toss and wait a few minutes longer for any excess water to drain.  And if I decide to make chicken or eggplant parmesan to go with this sauce, I have to wait for that, too.  Not only do I have to wait until the sauce is ready, but then I have to bread the chicken or eggplant.  Give it a quick browning in the pan and then stick it in the oven from a half hour to an hour, depending on how thick the chicken is.  But know what?  It is worth the wait and it is worth the payoff.

But if I become impatient, I can't wait for the flavors to start to mix, mingle and meld before I start doctoring the basic recipe, I ruin the sauce.  Yes, I have ruined the sauce in the past.  In spite of making it for years, I sometimes try to get it to finish too soon, turn up the heat and burn it, or add too much of something.  Then I have to try to fix what is ruined, (unless it burns, then forget it,) and it makes things harder.  All because I let my hunger get the best of me and I was too impatient.  If I try to serve the chicken parmesan too soon, the chicken is pink inside and makes everyone sick.  So I'm patient.

But you have no patience, you want someone who will commit now.  So you dump him and break his heart.  He knew on the first date you were the one he wanted to marry, but instead, your desire to be Bridezilla is so strong, that you have lost all sense of propriety and you're acting like you might need psychiatric help.  So you dump him to find someone who will get married right away.  And you find yourself single and a disappointment to your family at 40.  All because you lacked patience.  So who am I to destroy this shot at happiness by telling you how long it's going to be before you're engaged?  You need to be patient and just know it will happen.

So when you're in a massive hurry to get married, you really do have to ask yourself why.  Are you afraid he won't be worth the wait?  If that's the case, don't be in a hurry to commit.  Are you afraid he will decide you're not worth the wait?  If that's the case, may I suggest therapy to work on your insecurity issues?  I'm not saying you're nuts, (but let's face it.  Being in love can cause the most stable of people to act a bit nuts,)  I'm just saying if you're that afraid that you're not worth the man you desire, you have some major issues to work through, so you don't chase him away.

Are you worried because all your friends are getting married and you want your party?  Once again, that is your own issue that you have to work through.  But if you're getting married at the same time all your friends are and you have a lot of friends in common who will be at all the weddings, you're not going to get nearly as good a gift as if you wait.

Are you in a hurry because of pressure from your family?  It is YOUR life, not theirs.  They have already lived their lives, don't allow them to live vicariously through you.  Don't try to be what they want you to be, especially if it makes you feel a bit crazy and unhappy.  Be your own person and move at your own pace.  Once upon a time, I saw some comedienne on TV who was doing a routine on wedding season and the ancient aunts are saying to her, "when are you getting married?  I love going to weddings!"

She said her answer to this is, "when are you dying?  I love going to funerals."

A retort to think about, isn't it?  Trust me, if you say that, no one will ask you again.

Don't let impatience get the best of you.  This has become a fast food society.  We want to drive up to a window and have our food waiting for us, within three minutes of ordering.  So what if the food isn't high quality, we want it NOW!  What do you mean, I have to wait for the fries to cook?  I'd rather have the ones that sat for five hours instead of fresh, so I don't have to wait!  We don't want to get dressed, go to the store and go DVD or CD shopping.  We want to download the music and movies we want NOW!  We don't care that MP3s or ACC files have a lot of loss of sound quality.  We don't care that the pirated movie was filmed from a seat in the theater and people are talking, the sound is mushy and people are getting up and blocking the scene.  We are willing to give up quality, in order to have it NOW!.  That applies to relationships too.  If the quality of your food is important to you, then you either cook yourself or go to a decent restaurant, where you wait.  If the quality of your music is important to you, you go to the store and buy the CD, or you order it.  You wait for the quality, instead of settling.  If quality is important to you in a potential spouse, you'd better wait.  Unless being the first of your friends to get a divorce is important to you too.

So if you want time frames, especially time frames that apply to how fast you think things should be moving, don't come to me.  If you want it now, you can't wait a few months for the kinks to iron out, don't come to me either.  You won't like what I have to say, especially when I force you to take a look at yourself.  You also won't like the fact I won't give you a time frame.  Especially if your entire sense of self worth means you need it now.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go stir the sauce.  Again.