You two broke up about a month ago. You can't believe the connection that you still feel. So you drive over there. Look, his car is in the driveway and the lights are on. You're just going to sit and wait a while, to work up the courage to knock on the door. Or, since this is garbage night, maybe you can get a glimpse of him wheeling the garbage to the curb. Then you can surprise attack and he can't pretend to not be home.
You know he's in there. You can feel him in there. Why isn't he coming outside? He hasn't taken the garbage to the curb yet. It must be because he can feel you outside and he doesn't want to talk right now. That's alright, he will come around. The connection is that strong.
So you wait. And you wait some more. You know he's in there. You see lights starting to go out. You look at your phone and see that it is his normal bedtime. You have to go home, you have work in the morning. You hope he doesn't hear you starting your car. You drive off and figure that you will get here earlier tomorrow. You want to see him. You get out of work earlier than he does. So you can sit and ambush him when he's getting out of his car.
You arrive the next day. What is going on? His car is already there. As it starts to get dark, the lights start to turn on. You try to get a glimpse of him walking by the window. But you never see him. You sneak around to the back and try to see him cooking dinner. You wonder if he's hurt or something. You don't smell him cooking and he is a magnificent chef. His cooking is almost as good as his talents in bed. But it's getting cold. So you return to the car.
And you wait. And you wait some more. And one by one, the lights go out. You go home.
This goes on for two weeks. How can he be ignoring this connection? You know he's in there. But he is managing to avoid you. Can't he feel you out here, the way you can feel him in there? You know he can feel the pain he's causing you. How can he be so sadistic? Doesn't he love you? You know he can feel you.
Then one night you see a cab pull into his driveway. You sink down into the bushes, so the headlights don't hit you. You see him get out of the cab. The driver comes around and helps him get luggage from the trunk. He's been on vacation all this time, hiking the Great Wall of China. That's right. You were supposed to go with him. At least you had decided that. So what that you don't have a passport and he never bought you a ticket? He was supposed to surprise you at the last minute, instead of breaking up with you.
But how dare he take that vacation alone? So what it was planned a year in advance and long before you met him. That was supposed to be your big couples trip! You feel more betrayed than if you had seen him with another woman.
How dare he put all his lights on a timer, to scare thieves away? If you had known that he wasn't there, you could have broken in and taken a token to remember him by. A shirt from his dirty laundry that smells like him. Anything. So you can continue to feel him.
But how did you feel him so strongly in there? You write it off to the fact all his stuff is in there. Because otherwise, you would have to admit the truth.
When our love for someone is so clingy and needy that it turns from love to obsession with the person, we are convinced that they can feel us, the way we feel them. But what is really going on? How can you feel someone who isn't there?
The fact is simple. The connection isn't there. That connected feeling you have is actually your obsession with the other person. They are feeling nothing of the sort. I like to compare it to trying to call someone who doesn't answer. You're connected, but they're not. But the fact that you feel things that aren't there is a sign that you need to get over it.
Really. It's over. Deal with it. You just felt him home for two weeks, while he was on vacation in Asia. You honestly thought he would cancel the trip and mope around the house at the thought of losing you, instead of getting on with his life. So now you're even more upset and feel more betrayed.
That connection you feel is all you. It is in your imagination. It doesn't exist. You are going to have to work to get past it.
There is no crime in going to therapy to get past a situation like this. Especially if it's not the first time. You need to work on how you don't love, but obsess. Obsession isn't love. Obsessions can turn dangerous. Look at you, spending two weeks of your life that you will never have back stalking an empty house. It is time to move on. If you refuse to move on, seriously consider therapy. If you continue to behave like this, every relationship is going to end in disaster. Unless of course, you meet someone as needy and clingy and obsessive as you are. Then you're going to be in a very scary relationship.
Break-ups hurt. But there is always a reason for a break-up. So move on and find someone who will share a real connection with you, instead of just feeling that he must love you because the sex is so great. But move on and lose that connection.
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